Me And Julie Down By The Schoolyard

Ahead of her Whale show, JULIE JAY charts her formative years as a wisecracking teen…

As a 90s tween I often bemoaned the luck of Macaulay Culkin who had been granted emancipation from his parents at the tender age of 15. I once threatened my mother with divorcing her in a similar fashion, an empty statement given that my mother couldn’t even divorce her own husband at the time. Little did I know there was no need to rush becoming an emancipated grown-up because let’s be real: adulting is not all it’s cracked up to be. Specifically, being a teen mom at 40 is not all it’s cracked up to be. We’ve all had those moments where, surrounded by numerous Paw Patrol bags and knickers that aren’t our own we stare into the void and think, “How did I end up here?”

Between the chaos of parenting, the emotional rollercoaster of relationships, and the constant pursuit of happiness, it feels like we’re all just one Olivia Rodriguez song away from losing it. Recently a childfree peer sent me a voicenote whilst holidaying in the south of France where he suggested I talk to somebody about my crippling anxieties – at least I think that’s what he said, he was somewhat drowned out by the sound of seawater lapping in the background. But I took his somewhat passive-aggressive feedback on board, and that is precisely why I’m bringing my new tour show ‘Julie, Madly, Deeply’ to the gorgeous Greystones on 4th October!

The show covers my long-running cerebral affair with Pat Kenny, my brief encounters with Cillian Murphy, and my guide to surviving Center Parcs (hint, avoid zip-lining and fish pies and you might just emerge from this Longford forest with your family unit still intact). We also touch upon the perils of living with a former múinteoir and I deconstruct the extent of my marital woes in real time. Essentially this show is all about thinking things and then saying them – this has surely never been done before but I pride myself on being a pioneer of new genre.

This show contains absolutely zero political subtext whatsoever and thankfully no PowerPoints, to the relief of the throngs of audience members I forced to endure my trauma presentation last year whilst I cavorted along the stage heavily pregnant in red latex. This time round I am armed with just a mic and a plastic bottle I can’t open – but more on the Bottle Recycling Scheme later.

This show is without a doubt my funniest to date, where I ask the big questions: Will I ever get mortgage approval? Will Pat Kenny ever return my letters? Does Cillian Murphy think of me as much as I do of him? Come to the Whale on 4th October and find out the answers to all of the above.

*All jokes aside Greystones, I need you the way Blake Lively needs a PR crisis consultant, the way Irish politicians need bike sheds – that is, a lot, not a little. I’m not coming back to you until my kids are in college, and I know what you’re thinking – but the 4th October is a whole week away, anything could happen in the interim? Well the good news is, if I do break my wrist whiteboarding the Tuiseal Ginideach between now and then, refunds are guaranteed.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m just off to dust off my jokes about Bray – I am nothing if not pandering. Love you Greystones! You are the Michael D Higgins of the East Coast! x

Playing The Whale Theatre on Friday, October 4th, you can grab your Julie Jay tickets here: https://whaletheatre.ticketsolve.com/ticketbooth/shows/873647591